鷹击長空

A couple of years, dozens of months and thousand of stories later…

February 16, 2015 Leave a comment

Inside a bus, going to Hong Kong from Shenzhen city in China. Head phones on. Shuffle mode on. As the songs from my old SD card that I used 3-6 years ago start playing, they’re reviving stories and feelings attached to them. Suddenly I realize that I haven’t looked back for a long time now. The struggle of that teen boy writing on this blog, trying to find his way through life seems like a distant unfamiliar story at the moment. It’s hard to identify myself with it anymore and yet if it wasn’t him, if I didn’t have his stubbornness, drama and depression I wouldn’t be here right now. I first had to be him to become who I am today. This is because he didn’t only have drama and negativity in him. He had this nameless feeling, something between hope and fear, pessimism and optimism, narcissism and humility, combined with the power to say «No» and not let others to define his life for him. This kind of unlikely combination of personal traits was enough to start the engines for his journey.

Chilibilly18 didn’t have a single idea where his life was heading but he knew where it was not. There was no way he would stay where he had grown up. Staying there would be the biggest mistake of his life and he knew it. He didn’t know how he is going to leave but he was sure he would find a way. Two years later, I’m sitting in a bus traveling to Hong Kong, alone, first time with my own earned money. How have I got here it’s a crazy story of good and bad luck, of unreasonable choices in unexpected occasions, but what is life but a chain of unpredictable events? Taking this moment to think about it all, it surprises me that life is actually going where I wanted it to go. I had many, at what seemed at a time, «bad» choices and moments of questioning my own goals in life but somehow all of it contributed to me moving forward, one step at a time.

Summing up my last two years, I spent one year in Philippines living alone. Leaving home at the age of 18 and traveling to other side of the world alone was a great challenge and mind-opening experience. It just can’t be expressed in words. Philippines feels like a home to me. The reason of my travel there is my love for film-making. I changed a couple of schools and was part of a lot of projects. The greatest teacher I met who is an award winning independent film-maker (not mentioning his name), left my second school and went to teach and make movies in China. Since he was the only person I actually learned a lot I decided to leave the school and follow him. Moved in Chengdu city in China on October 2014. A week before my visa would expire having as result me going back to Greece I got an English teaching job for kids for a big company which helped me extend my Visa. Fortunately the job is only a few hours per week and very well paid, not only I can live without my mother’s support but I can even save money now for film-making equipment. I’m preparing to make my own first movie later this year.

Everything is going great at the moment but it hasn’t been easy. Many unfortunate events have happened along the way. I had a surgery for my broken left arm( humerus) two months ago which again changed a lot of my plans at that time and left me completely disoriented. The doctors inserted a titanium plate in my arm which I’m going to take out next year with another surgery.It was expensive, my mother had to borrow money to pay for it. After that I had to survive many days with just eating bread. For the whole winter I wasn’t even able to buy a winter jacket so I used to wear two not-so-winter jackets haha. It was incredibly sorrowful walking back home at night, frozen and having only bread to eat, but then I thought about all of my acquaintances-friends who don’t have to deal with this because they decided to live their lives safely, without risking anything, and then I said to myself that I’d rather struggle doing what I love than being comfortable doing what I don’t. Realizing that struggle is part of the process gave me a mental boost. Goals don’t come easy. It’s those struggles in life that builds your character. And who would you rather be? Someone who had always had everything handed to him on his plate? or someone who should fight his way through hell to achieve it?

Chilibilly is over.

December 24, 2013 1 comment

No more posts on this blog because I’m not that person anymore.

Categories: Uncategorized

A new day.

August 1, 2013 Leave a comment

                                      “Weep not for roads untraveled.
                                         Weep not for sights unseen.”
 
  Why would you cry for a road that you never traveled? For a path left lone? Is it because you saw a bright light on that road? An illusion of a starlight? So you thought  that it’s the right way but when you got closer it faded away. Disappeared completely. All your hopes and expectations died in a few seconds. So you are standing there speechless, with no direction. Wondering why. All you have to do is remember that you only walk one road at a time so if you can’t walk one you’ll go to another. That’s all I have to do.
I didn’t ask for the life I was given but I have no choice other than face it and do my best with it. Yeah it has been a bitch a lot of times, I’ve been treated like shit, rejected, thrown away like garbage but bitching about it won’t change anything. You’ve been hurt Chilly? You see this road came to an unexpected end? Again? So what? Go cry to yo mama if you think that’s gonna help. It’s simple. Keep walking. Left all the mess behind. Was it a mistake? It wasn’t? Doesn’t matter. Put yourself together, regain what you’ve lost during this period and keep walking. Where? You lost your sense of direction? Well, don’t walk the same paths again, don’t make the same mistakes because you’ll end up walking in circles. Try new ones. Without losing your sense of purpose. Whatever happens, happens.
Every goodbye hurts. Especially the ones that you wish you never said, for people you care even if they don’t, but sometimes it’s the only choice they give you. Was it dream? At least I got my conscious clear. My intentions never changed neither my behavior and I’m not lost. You’ll never know what I became because of you.
A new day is coming and I got to keep myself together. Yeah a lot of crap is coming to me but I should have got used to it already. No more tears, no more fights, no more sacrifices for people not worthing it.
DO. NOT. LOSE. YOURSELF. FOR. ANYONE.

Categories: alone, My Life Tags: , , , , ,

Same old story.

July 27, 2013 1 comment

You said you wanted to dissappear. To start again. To free yourself. And here you are again, locked inside a room with the same old fears. The same old story that you are familiar with. Writing songs you will never sing, poems you will never read, thoughts you will never share.

You were all alone, searching for something that you couldn’t find. Do you even know what are you looking for? Then what are you searching for? Do you know her? Have you met her? Will you meet her? Will you see her? Will you reach her? Will you keep her? You’ll know it when you find it huh? But you doubt everything, you’re never sure of something. You will always search for perfection even if you know that it’s something you’ll never find. Poor little boy. Your only gift is a curse. Your walls are too high and when let your guard down you end in the category of retarded and broken hearted. Can’t you see that you always bleed the same? But you’re still dumb thinking “maybe this time..”. Well, I’m curious about how many times you’re gonna say it till you realize that it always ends the same. Every fucking time the ending is the same.

Categories: alone, My Life

Here we are…

So,  here we are. 17 days in Cebu have passed by so fast. I still haven’t realized completely that I’m here, that I left home. It all seems so unreal. One day you’re with your family in your home then the next day you are not.
It’s beautiful. Some people would say it’s also scary but I’m not feeling scared. I only was kinda afraid when I was in the bus after I said the last goodbyes to my family. I was wondering “Okay, now what?”. But this feeling faded away as the time had been passing.
I’m not saying that it’s easy and I’m totally “happy”. There were and still are some hard moments adjusting to the new “independent” life. I think they call it homesickness. Laying on the bed of your apartment all alone starring at your reflection on the glass of the door in front of you thinking “Hello mister, you’re on your own now”. I’ve spent the most time of my life in my room alone so I thought I won’t be influenced by that. But this was different. At that moment is probably when you realize that a new chapter in your life has began and you are on your own.
But right now I freaking love this moment. It’s 1 am and I’m sitting alone in the middle of the grass field listening to music. I haven’t had that much time to relax since I came here. Duties, shopping, meetings etc. But now, this moment is all I needed. Just some time with myself somewhere outside.

P.S. This is not a “advertising” blog so I never describe cities and not planning to do now. It’s all about feelings, thoughts and emotions.

Categories: alone, Cebu, My Life Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last night…

I haven’t realized yet that this is my last night in the house where I grew up. The last night in the room I’ve spent the most time of my life. The last night of this life because tomorrow a whole new chapter of my life begins. It’s weird. Most of the people would say that they feel excited for going abroad and sad for leaving their family and friends back. Right now I really don’t feel anything. I just can’t realize that tomorrow at the same time I will be far away from home. Everything seems normal to me. It’s night and I’m on my computer listening to music. Not stressed, not sad, not excited. I don’t know if this is temporary or a change on myself. I don’t even know if it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing. Does it come from my perspective on living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future? That’s why I don’t have any intense feeling right now? Because everything is still normal? I don’t know.

Anyway. This is my last post from home. My next one is going to be from my new home, Cebu. 😉

What’s the most tempting mistake?

May 14, 2013 2 comments

To feel and make yourself get hurt?
To open yourself to someone knowing that it may not worth it?
To hope while you already know it’s not going to happen?
To fall in “love” realizing that it’s not going to end well?
To promise although it’s not really necessary?
To wait for someone when you are not their first choice?
To be the only one trying?
To make sacrifices alone?
To cry for someone who doesn’t cry for you?
To apologize when you don’t really mean it?
To make someone feel bad because it pleases you?
To fall for stupid temptations?
To ignore the consequences?
To take some things for granted?
To pretend you like something when you really don’t?
To care for things you shouldn’t?
To lie about something for no reason?
To try to be someone else?
To be afraid of saying things you want to say?
To smile while deep inside you’re dying?