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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

A couple of years, dozens of months and thousand of stories later…

February 16, 2015 Leave a comment

Inside a bus, going to Hong Kong from Shenzhen city in China. Head phones on. Shuffle mode on. As the songs from my old SD card that I used 3-6 years ago start playing, they’re reviving stories and feelings attached to them. Suddenly I realize that I haven’t looked back for a long time now. The struggle of that teen boy writing on this blog, trying to find his way through life seems like a distant unfamiliar story at the moment. It’s hard to identify myself with it anymore and yet if it wasn’t him, if I didn’t have his stubbornness, drama and depression I wouldn’t be here right now. I first had to be him to become who I am today. This is because he didn’t only have drama and negativity in him. He had this nameless feeling, something between hope and fear, pessimism and optimism, narcissism and humility, combined with the power to say «No» and not let others to define his life for him. This kind of unlikely combination of personal traits was enough to start the engines for his journey.

Chilibilly18 didn’t have a single idea where his life was heading but he knew where it was not. There was no way he would stay where he had grown up. Staying there would be the biggest mistake of his life and he knew it. He didn’t know how he is going to leave but he was sure he would find a way. Two years later, I’m sitting in a bus traveling to Hong Kong, alone, first time with my own earned money. How have I got here it’s a crazy story of good and bad luck, of unreasonable choices in unexpected occasions, but what is life but a chain of unpredictable events? Taking this moment to think about it all, it surprises me that life is actually going where I wanted it to go. I had many, at what seemed at a time, «bad» choices and moments of questioning my own goals in life but somehow all of it contributed to me moving forward, one step at a time.

Summing up my last two years, I spent one year in Philippines living alone. Leaving home at the age of 18 and traveling to other side of the world alone was a great challenge and mind-opening experience. It just can’t be expressed in words. Philippines feels like a home to me. The reason of my travel there is my love for film-making. I changed a couple of schools and was part of a lot of projects. The greatest teacher I met who is an award winning independent film-maker (not mentioning his name), left my second school and went to teach and make movies in China. Since he was the only person I actually learned a lot I decided to leave the school and follow him. Moved in Chengdu city in China on October 2014. A week before my visa would expire having as result me going back to Greece I got an English teaching job for kids for a big company which helped me extend my Visa. Fortunately the job is only a few hours per week and very well paid, not only I can live without my mother’s support but I can even save money now for film-making equipment. I’m preparing to make my own first movie later this year.

Everything is going great at the moment but it hasn’t been easy. Many unfortunate events have happened along the way. I had a surgery for my broken left arm( humerus) two months ago which again changed a lot of my plans at that time and left me completely disoriented. The doctors inserted a titanium plate in my arm which I’m going to take out next year with another surgery.It was expensive, my mother had to borrow money to pay for it. After that I had to survive many days with just eating bread. For the whole winter I wasn’t even able to buy a winter jacket so I used to wear two not-so-winter jackets haha. It was incredibly sorrowful walking back home at night, frozen and having only bread to eat, but then I thought about all of my acquaintances-friends who don’t have to deal with this because they decided to live their lives safely, without risking anything, and then I said to myself that I’d rather struggle doing what I love than being comfortable doing what I don’t. Realizing that struggle is part of the process gave me a mental boost. Goals don’t come easy. It’s those struggles in life that builds your character. And who would you rather be? Someone who had always had everything handed to him on his plate? or someone who should fight his way through hell to achieve it?

A new day.

August 1, 2013 Leave a comment

                                      “Weep not for roads untraveled.
                                         Weep not for sights unseen.”
 
  Why would you cry for a road that you never traveled? For a path left lone? Is it because you saw a bright light on that road? An illusion of a starlight? So you thought  that it’s the right way but when you got closer it faded away. Disappeared completely. All your hopes and expectations died in a few seconds. So you are standing there speechless, with no direction. Wondering why. All you have to do is remember that you only walk one road at a time so if you can’t walk one you’ll go to another. That’s all I have to do.
I didn’t ask for the life I was given but I have no choice other than face it and do my best with it. Yeah it has been a bitch a lot of times, I’ve been treated like shit, rejected, thrown away like garbage but bitching about it won’t change anything. You’ve been hurt Chilly? You see this road came to an unexpected end? Again? So what? Go cry to yo mama if you think that’s gonna help. It’s simple. Keep walking. Left all the mess behind. Was it a mistake? It wasn’t? Doesn’t matter. Put yourself together, regain what you’ve lost during this period and keep walking. Where? You lost your sense of direction? Well, don’t walk the same paths again, don’t make the same mistakes because you’ll end up walking in circles. Try new ones. Without losing your sense of purpose. Whatever happens, happens.
Every goodbye hurts. Especially the ones that you wish you never said, for people you care even if they don’t, but sometimes it’s the only choice they give you. Was it dream? At least I got my conscious clear. My intentions never changed neither my behavior and I’m not lost. You’ll never know what I became because of you.
A new day is coming and I got to keep myself together. Yeah a lot of crap is coming to me but I should have got used to it already. No more tears, no more fights, no more sacrifices for people not worthing it.
DO. NOT. LOSE. YOURSELF. FOR. ANYONE.

Categories: alone, My Life Tags: , , , , ,

Here we are…

So,  here we are. 17 days in Cebu have passed by so fast. I still haven’t realized completely that I’m here, that I left home. It all seems so unreal. One day you’re with your family in your home then the next day you are not.
It’s beautiful. Some people would say it’s also scary but I’m not feeling scared. I only was kinda afraid when I was in the bus after I said the last goodbyes to my family. I was wondering “Okay, now what?”. But this feeling faded away as the time had been passing.
I’m not saying that it’s easy and I’m totally “happy”. There were and still are some hard moments adjusting to the new “independent” life. I think they call it homesickness. Laying on the bed of your apartment all alone starring at your reflection on the glass of the door in front of you thinking “Hello mister, you’re on your own now”. I’ve spent the most time of my life in my room alone so I thought I won’t be influenced by that. But this was different. At that moment is probably when you realize that a new chapter in your life has began and you are on your own.
But right now I freaking love this moment. It’s 1 am and I’m sitting alone in the middle of the grass field listening to music. I haven’t had that much time to relax since I came here. Duties, shopping, meetings etc. But now, this moment is all I needed. Just some time with myself somewhere outside.

P.S. This is not a “advertising” blog so I never describe cities and not planning to do now. It’s all about feelings, thoughts and emotions.

Categories: alone, Cebu, My Life Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last night…

I haven’t realized yet that this is my last night in the house where I grew up. The last night in the room I’ve spent the most time of my life. The last night of this life because tomorrow a whole new chapter of my life begins. It’s weird. Most of the people would say that they feel excited for going abroad and sad for leaving their family and friends back. Right now I really don’t feel anything. I just can’t realize that tomorrow at the same time I will be far away from home. Everything seems normal to me. It’s night and I’m on my computer listening to music. Not stressed, not sad, not excited. I don’t know if this is temporary or a change on myself. I don’t even know if it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing. Does it come from my perspective on living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future? That’s why I don’t have any intense feeling right now? Because everything is still normal? I don’t know.

Anyway. This is my last post from home. My next one is going to be from my new home, Cebu. 😉

Don’t Even Think About It.

May 2, 2013 1 comment

I’m going to meet a lot of people in my 1+ year stay in Cebu, obviously. Some of them will become “friends”, some of them closer “friends” and some… my next broken “love” stories. I’m not looking for a “SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP” (whatever that means) in Cebu. Because after Cebu I’ll probably travel to live somewhere else and if I get attached to somebody our separation is going to be very hard for both of us, so better not even bother.

My relationship philosophy is that if you have doubts about it, it’s not the “PERFECT ONE” (whatever that means too), which means there’s something better for you out there.  Which also means if you are a person like me, who have doubts pretty much about everything, you’re F***ed Up :D. You will never find someone to spend your life with, you will be lonely and you will DIE ALONE… f**k ^^

This MAY sound kinda pessimistic. Okay I am pessimistic sometimes, and this is one of the times but I have my reasons to be like that.

In a month from now I’m going to Cebu…

So *COLD-HEARTED MODE ENABLED* you better…

LifeandDeath

April 28, 2013 4 comments

I wake up. A woman is holding me. We’re somewhere outside. This place is full of people. But I can’t see their faces. Everything is blurry. Period.

It’s a sunny day. Teacher asked me what I’m going to be when I grow up. I start daydreaming. “An astronaut…a singer…an athlete…”. 

I’m outside. Kids are running, playing, having fun. I’m just standing alone watching them. She saw me. She was sad. She came to me and told me with her caring voice “Why don’t you go to play with the kids?”. I didn’t say anything, just kept looking down until she left.

It’s morning. The phone is ringing. She picks it up. She starts crying. I come closer. “He’s gone” she said. I’ve never had the chance to meet him.

We are eating. She says “In years from now, when we will have our own families, we will still remember this moment. When we were young and we were eating together alone.”. We don’t live together anymore.

She comes close to me, hugs me and looks into my eyes. Her eyes were wet. “You grew up son” she said.

I’m 18. Now, I have to choose a path to follow. I don’t know which one is right. I don’t even believe in right and wrong. I manage to schedule my life, making dreams and setting goals based on what I really like to do. I pressure myself saying that this is the right time to achieve my dreams and goals. Life seems to be too short…

I’m doing what I wanted to do at this age. Traveling, meeting people, saying goodbyes. That’s what I wanted but now I’m getting sick of it. Sick of all theses goodbyes. All these people I will never see again. I don’t want to be a lonely traveler anymore. I want someone to be with me.

Hey You. Have I found you? Take my hand and we won’t be strangers again…

Yes I have found you…

I hear the alarm clock ringing. I’m going to check the calendar. 18th July 2036. It’s my birthday today. 42 years in this world already. I can start counting backwards now, I guess…

My body starts to betray me as my bones get heavier and heavier everyday. I’m becoming old. Most of the people I knew are gone. Memories is the only thing I have now. Memories of all the things I had done when I was that young boy. I still look in the mirror sometimes and see him behind this aged face. Memories and pain.

I wake up. I’m in the hospital. Lying on a bed. You and our family is here. You are all crying but I’m not. I’m smiling. I know the time has come. My journey in this world is about to come to an end. My life flashes before my eyes. All the people I’ve met, all the love stories, all the funny moments, all the mistakes I’ve made. But I regret nothing. I’m not a hero nor a saint. I did not ask for the life I was given but I did my best with it. Now, as my time is running out, I just want to look into your eyes, to remind me what beauty is as I’m fading from consciousness…

 

Locked Inside This Cage Again

February 21, 2013 1 comment

Two years ago, after the darkest period of my life I made a deal with myself, not to let my feelings control me. Tried to become the master of my feelings. It worked. I felt some kind of freedom. Even though I became a cold freak, I had this feeling of self control. First time in my life I felt really strong. It was during that period that I made life decisions to do what I really like to do and not to get lost in other people’s lives. But no, I didn’t stop pretending to always be that smiling and funny guy, like depression is non-existed in my life. Everything had been going very well until recently, I left a door opened…and became a victim again. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I won’t go into details but I’m don’t feel strong anymore. I feel weak and pathetic. Closed to myself again as always. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even trust myself anymore, how am I supposed to trust someone else?

As I had said before, the people reading this blog know much more about ME than the people around me. Chilibilly18 is far more ME than my real name. And Chilibilly sounds such a happy name. Irony huh?

If I haven’t been showing only the bright side of myself, I wouldn’t have anyone close to me.  I’m not saying that I do have friends now. I don’t have friends. Only people I spent my time with. Friends are supposed to be people that you can open yourself easily. I haven’t opened myself to anyone yet, except this blog. That’s not their fault. It’s the way I am. There’s nothing attractive about ME. Just a stupid, melodramatic, emotionally unstable kid. And to whoever is reading this, I’m not saying this because I want you to try to disprove me so I can feel better. No, that’s bullshit. I don’t do that. It’s just the way it is.

I’m not an Emo, I’m just tired, depressed, lost. Nearly 19 years in this world and I still haven’t found a single person who I can share my feelings with. Not a single one…

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not always like that. Darkness, sadness and melancholy are a huge part of myself but not the entire of it. I can be funny, entertaining, happy… But right now I’m not. Now, there’s just a feeling of emptiness. I don’t know what can I do. I try to distract myself doing things I used to do but I can’t. I can’t do something If I’m not fully into it. My mind just distracts itself. I suddenly started hating everything I’ve been doing, including myself. No, I’m not suicidal, not yet at least.

DON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME.

YOU WON’T.