鷹击長空

Don’t Even Think About It.

May 2, 2013 1 comment

I’m going to meet a lot of people in my 1+ year stay in Cebu, obviously. Some of them will become “friends”, some of them closer “friends” and some… my next broken “love” stories. I’m not looking for a “SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP” (whatever that means) in Cebu. Because after Cebu I’ll probably travel to live somewhere else and if I get attached to somebody our separation is going to be very hard for both of us, so better not even bother.

My relationship philosophy is that if you have doubts about it, it’s not the “PERFECT ONE” (whatever that means too), which means there’s something better for you out there.  Which also means if you are a person like me, who have doubts pretty much about everything, you’re F***ed Up :D. You will never find someone to spend your life with, you will be lonely and you will DIE ALONE… f**k ^^

This MAY sound kinda pessimistic. Okay I am pessimistic sometimes, and this is one of the times but I have my reasons to be like that.

In a month from now I’m going to Cebu…

So *COLD-HEARTED MODE ENABLED* you better…

LifeandDeath

April 28, 2013 4 comments

I wake up. A woman is holding me. We’re somewhere outside. This place is full of people. But I can’t see their faces. Everything is blurry. Period.

It’s a sunny day. Teacher asked me what I’m going to be when I grow up. I start daydreaming. “An astronaut…a singer…an athlete…”. 

I’m outside. Kids are running, playing, having fun. I’m just standing alone watching them. She saw me. She was sad. She came to me and told me with her caring voice “Why don’t you go to play with the kids?”. I didn’t say anything, just kept looking down until she left.

It’s morning. The phone is ringing. She picks it up. She starts crying. I come closer. “He’s gone” she said. I’ve never had the chance to meet him.

We are eating. She says “In years from now, when we will have our own families, we will still remember this moment. When we were young and we were eating together alone.”. We don’t live together anymore.

She comes close to me, hugs me and looks into my eyes. Her eyes were wet. “You grew up son” she said.

I’m 18. Now, I have to choose a path to follow. I don’t know which one is right. I don’t even believe in right and wrong. I manage to schedule my life, making dreams and setting goals based on what I really like to do. I pressure myself saying that this is the right time to achieve my dreams and goals. Life seems to be too short…

I’m doing what I wanted to do at this age. Traveling, meeting people, saying goodbyes. That’s what I wanted but now I’m getting sick of it. Sick of all theses goodbyes. All these people I will never see again. I don’t want to be a lonely traveler anymore. I want someone to be with me.

Hey You. Have I found you? Take my hand and we won’t be strangers again…

Yes I have found you…

I hear the alarm clock ringing. I’m going to check the calendar. 18th July 2036. It’s my birthday today. 42 years in this world already. I can start counting backwards now, I guess…

My body starts to betray me as my bones get heavier and heavier everyday. I’m becoming old. Most of the people I knew are gone. Memories is the only thing I have now. Memories of all the things I had done when I was that young boy. I still look in the mirror sometimes and see him behind this aged face. Memories and pain.

I wake up. I’m in the hospital. Lying on a bed. You and our family is here. You are all crying but I’m not. I’m smiling. I know the time has come. My journey in this world is about to come to an end. My life flashes before my eyes. All the people I’ve met, all the love stories, all the funny moments, all the mistakes I’ve made. But I regret nothing. I’m not a hero nor a saint. I did not ask for the life I was given but I did my best with it. Now, as my time is running out, I just want to look into your eyes, to remind me what beauty is as I’m fading from consciousness…

 

Self Rejection?

April 15, 2013 2 comments

I have this feeling lately that I’m not interested in creating art anymore. For the past 8 months whatever I’ve been doing was art related. Creativity is the only way to kill boredom I thought. I’m not sure anymore. I’m not sure what’s the cause of this change in me. It may be because of the isolation, maybe I need a break. I hope things will completely change when I go to Philippines.

Different Stories. Same Endings.

April 13, 2013 Leave a comment

He had been recovering. He said he won’t search anymore, he won’t expect anything anymore.

But then, for the first time a temptation knocked his door. He opened. The same chain of events started occurring again, just like all the other times. And as in the past, it always ends the same.

He said he was happy for her, while deep inside he was wasn’t. He wanted her to be his and only his. Like a property, like a slave.

How can someone so selfish, love?

He can’t.

Cebu, I’m coming.

March 7, 2013 4 comments

After graduating high school I knew that I wanted to study film-making abroad. I don’t want a boring office job, doing the same things over and over again. So, I’m going to do what I really want to do. Art is my passion. I’m interested in pretty much everything art related. One of the reasons I chose film-making is because it’s a combination of art elements(Photography,music etc.).

“My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I’ve wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.”

-Daria

I’ve always wanted to visit Philippines for many reasons. So studying there is ideal for me. At this period of my life I don’t want to live in a overpopulated city away from nature. Philippines have beautiful nature. So ;). I A F T gave me the opportunity to study in Cebu. They gave me a scholarship. It’s a one year intensive program on film-making. What I really like about this school is that they don’t give much importance in theory (except the basics of course) and that it’s only one year. I don’t want to waste years of my life studying the 80% of the time about who did what? When? Why? Who was his father? blah blah blah. That’s irrelevant with art. I hate that. That way students end up becoming the imitations of those before them. You can’t teach art that way. I doubt if you can even teach art any way.

So, yeah, that’s it, I’m traveling in one or two months from now because I have to do some things first (visa, apartment, tickets etc.). Needless to say that I’m freaking excited.

Facts: My first foreign friend on Facebook was from Philippines. Many people from Philippines have found this blog even though I haven’t written anything about Philippines here until now. Even the first person who ever commented on this blog is from Philippines, Ren.

After that I don’t know what I’m going to do. I may stay there for a while or travel somewhere else. Perhaps one of my next destinations is going to be Hong Kong, Paris or Istanbul (I really liked it there).

But for now

CEBU, I’M COMING

cebu cityscape

Locked Inside This Cage Again

February 21, 2013 1 comment

Two years ago, after the darkest period of my life I made a deal with myself, not to let my feelings control me. Tried to become the master of my feelings. It worked. I felt some kind of freedom. Even though I became a cold freak, I had this feeling of self control. First time in my life I felt really strong. It was during that period that I made life decisions to do what I really like to do and not to get lost in other people’s lives. But no, I didn’t stop pretending to always be that smiling and funny guy, like depression is non-existed in my life. Everything had been going very well until recently, I left a door opened…and became a victim again. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I won’t go into details but I’m don’t feel strong anymore. I feel weak and pathetic. Closed to myself again as always. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even trust myself anymore, how am I supposed to trust someone else?

As I had said before, the people reading this blog know much more about ME than the people around me. Chilibilly18 is far more ME than my real name. And Chilibilly sounds such a happy name. Irony huh?

If I haven’t been showing only the bright side of myself, I wouldn’t have anyone close to me.  I’m not saying that I do have friends now. I don’t have friends. Only people I spent my time with. Friends are supposed to be people that you can open yourself easily. I haven’t opened myself to anyone yet, except this blog. That’s not their fault. It’s the way I am. There’s nothing attractive about ME. Just a stupid, melodramatic, emotionally unstable kid. And to whoever is reading this, I’m not saying this because I want you to try to disprove me so I can feel better. No, that’s bullshit. I don’t do that. It’s just the way it is.

I’m not an Emo, I’m just tired, depressed, lost. Nearly 19 years in this world and I still haven’t found a single person who I can share my feelings with. Not a single one…

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not always like that. Darkness, sadness and melancholy are a huge part of myself but not the entire of it. I can be funny, entertaining, happy… But right now I’m not. Now, there’s just a feeling of emptiness. I don’t know what can I do. I try to distract myself doing things I used to do but I can’t. I can’t do something If I’m not fully into it. My mind just distracts itself. I suddenly started hating everything I’ve been doing, including myself. No, I’m not suicidal, not yet at least.

DON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME.

YOU WON’T.

Found

February 14, 2013 Leave a comment

If you have been reading this blog, you already know that I don’t want anyone I know to read it. For many reasons. A “friend” of mine had found this blog before so I changed the URL address to hide it. But yesterday another friend of mine found this blog… it’s a long story. But I like this address and she’s a close friend so f**k it, I’ll stay here. I deleted some posts by the way.