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A new day.

August 1, 2013 Leave a comment

                                      “Weep not for roads untraveled.
                                         Weep not for sights unseen.”
 
  Why would you cry for a road that you never traveled? For a path left lone? Is it because you saw a bright light on that road? An illusion of a starlight? So you thought  that it’s the right way but when you got closer it faded away. Disappeared completely. All your hopes and expectations died in a few seconds. So you are standing there speechless, with no direction. Wondering why. All you have to do is remember that you only walk one road at a time so if you can’t walk one you’ll go to another. That’s all I have to do.
I didn’t ask for the life I was given but I have no choice other than face it and do my best with it. Yeah it has been a bitch a lot of times, I’ve been treated like shit, rejected, thrown away like garbage but bitching about it won’t change anything. You’ve been hurt Chilly? You see this road came to an unexpected end? Again? So what? Go cry to yo mama if you think that’s gonna help. It’s simple. Keep walking. Left all the mess behind. Was it a mistake? It wasn’t? Doesn’t matter. Put yourself together, regain what you’ve lost during this period and keep walking. Where? You lost your sense of direction? Well, don’t walk the same paths again, don’t make the same mistakes because you’ll end up walking in circles. Try new ones. Without losing your sense of purpose. Whatever happens, happens.
Every goodbye hurts. Especially the ones that you wish you never said, for people you care even if they don’t, but sometimes it’s the only choice they give you. Was it dream? At least I got my conscious clear. My intentions never changed neither my behavior and I’m not lost. You’ll never know what I became because of you.
A new day is coming and I got to keep myself together. Yeah a lot of crap is coming to me but I should have got used to it already. No more tears, no more fights, no more sacrifices for people not worthing it.
DO. NOT. LOSE. YOURSELF. FOR. ANYONE.

Categories: alone, My Life Tags: , , , , ,

Same old story.

July 27, 2013 1 comment

You said you wanted to dissappear. To start again. To free yourself. And here you are again, locked inside a room with the same old fears. The same old story that you are familiar with. Writing songs you will never sing, poems you will never read, thoughts you will never share.

You were all alone, searching for something that you couldn’t find. Do you even know what are you looking for? Then what are you searching for? Do you know her? Have you met her? Will you meet her? Will you see her? Will you reach her? Will you keep her? You’ll know it when you find it huh? But you doubt everything, you’re never sure of something. You will always search for perfection even if you know that it’s something you’ll never find. Poor little boy. Your only gift is a curse. Your walls are too high and when let your guard down you end in the category of retarded and broken hearted. Can’t you see that you always bleed the same? But you’re still dumb thinking “maybe this time..”. Well, I’m curious about how many times you’re gonna say it till you realize that it always ends the same. Every fucking time the ending is the same.

Categories: alone, My Life

Here we are…

So,  here we are. 17 days in Cebu have passed by so fast. I still haven’t realized completely that I’m here, that I left home. It all seems so unreal. One day you’re with your family in your home then the next day you are not.
It’s beautiful. Some people would say it’s also scary but I’m not feeling scared. I only was kinda afraid when I was in the bus after I said the last goodbyes to my family. I was wondering “Okay, now what?”. But this feeling faded away as the time had been passing.
I’m not saying that it’s easy and I’m totally “happy”. There were and still are some hard moments adjusting to the new “independent” life. I think they call it homesickness. Laying on the bed of your apartment all alone starring at your reflection on the glass of the door in front of you thinking “Hello mister, you’re on your own now”. I’ve spent the most time of my life in my room alone so I thought I won’t be influenced by that. But this was different. At that moment is probably when you realize that a new chapter in your life has began and you are on your own.
But right now I freaking love this moment. It’s 1 am and I’m sitting alone in the middle of the grass field listening to music. I haven’t had that much time to relax since I came here. Duties, shopping, meetings etc. But now, this moment is all I needed. Just some time with myself somewhere outside.

P.S. This is not a “advertising” blog so I never describe cities and not planning to do now. It’s all about feelings, thoughts and emotions.

Categories: alone, Cebu, My Life Tags: , , , , , , ,

Last night…

I haven’t realized yet that this is my last night in the house where I grew up. The last night in the room I’ve spent the most time of my life. The last night of this life because tomorrow a whole new chapter of my life begins. It’s weird. Most of the people would say that they feel excited for going abroad and sad for leaving their family and friends back. Right now I really don’t feel anything. I just can’t realize that tomorrow at the same time I will be far away from home. Everything seems normal to me. It’s night and I’m on my computer listening to music. Not stressed, not sad, not excited. I don’t know if this is temporary or a change on myself. I don’t even know if it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing. Does it come from my perspective on living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future? That’s why I don’t have any intense feeling right now? Because everything is still normal? I don’t know.

Anyway. This is my last post from home. My next one is going to be from my new home, Cebu. 😉

What’s the most tempting mistake?

May 14, 2013 2 comments

To feel and make yourself get hurt?
To open yourself to someone knowing that it may not worth it?
To hope while you already know it’s not going to happen?
To fall in “love” realizing that it’s not going to end well?
To promise although it’s not really necessary?
To wait for someone when you are not their first choice?
To be the only one trying?
To make sacrifices alone?
To cry for someone who doesn’t cry for you?
To apologize when you don’t really mean it?
To make someone feel bad because it pleases you?
To fall for stupid temptations?
To ignore the consequences?
To take some things for granted?
To pretend you like something when you really don’t?
To care for things you shouldn’t?
To lie about something for no reason?
To try to be someone else?
To be afraid of saying things you want to say?
To smile while deep inside you’re dying?

Don’t Even Think About It.

May 2, 2013 1 comment

I’m going to meet a lot of people in my 1+ year stay in Cebu, obviously. Some of them will become “friends”, some of them closer “friends” and some… my next broken “love” stories. I’m not looking for a “SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP” (whatever that means) in Cebu. Because after Cebu I’ll probably travel to live somewhere else and if I get attached to somebody our separation is going to be very hard for both of us, so better not even bother.

My relationship philosophy is that if you have doubts about it, it’s not the “PERFECT ONE” (whatever that means too), which means there’s something better for you out there.  Which also means if you are a person like me, who have doubts pretty much about everything, you’re F***ed Up :D. You will never find someone to spend your life with, you will be lonely and you will DIE ALONE… f**k ^^

This MAY sound kinda pessimistic. Okay I am pessimistic sometimes, and this is one of the times but I have my reasons to be like that.

In a month from now I’m going to Cebu…

So *COLD-HEARTED MODE ENABLED* you better…

LifeandDeath

April 28, 2013 4 comments

I wake up. A woman is holding me. We’re somewhere outside. This place is full of people. But I can’t see their faces. Everything is blurry. Period.

It’s a sunny day. Teacher asked me what I’m going to be when I grow up. I start daydreaming. “An astronaut…a singer…an athlete…”. 

I’m outside. Kids are running, playing, having fun. I’m just standing alone watching them. She saw me. She was sad. She came to me and told me with her caring voice “Why don’t you go to play with the kids?”. I didn’t say anything, just kept looking down until she left.

It’s morning. The phone is ringing. She picks it up. She starts crying. I come closer. “He’s gone” she said. I’ve never had the chance to meet him.

We are eating. She says “In years from now, when we will have our own families, we will still remember this moment. When we were young and we were eating together alone.”. We don’t live together anymore.

She comes close to me, hugs me and looks into my eyes. Her eyes were wet. “You grew up son” she said.

I’m 18. Now, I have to choose a path to follow. I don’t know which one is right. I don’t even believe in right and wrong. I manage to schedule my life, making dreams and setting goals based on what I really like to do. I pressure myself saying that this is the right time to achieve my dreams and goals. Life seems to be too short…

I’m doing what I wanted to do at this age. Traveling, meeting people, saying goodbyes. That’s what I wanted but now I’m getting sick of it. Sick of all theses goodbyes. All these people I will never see again. I don’t want to be a lonely traveler anymore. I want someone to be with me.

Hey You. Have I found you? Take my hand and we won’t be strangers again…

Yes I have found you…

I hear the alarm clock ringing. I’m going to check the calendar. 18th July 2036. It’s my birthday today. 42 years in this world already. I can start counting backwards now, I guess…

My body starts to betray me as my bones get heavier and heavier everyday. I’m becoming old. Most of the people I knew are gone. Memories is the only thing I have now. Memories of all the things I had done when I was that young boy. I still look in the mirror sometimes and see him behind this aged face. Memories and pain.

I wake up. I’m in the hospital. Lying on a bed. You and our family is here. You are all crying but I’m not. I’m smiling. I know the time has come. My journey in this world is about to come to an end. My life flashes before my eyes. All the people I’ve met, all the love stories, all the funny moments, all the mistakes I’ve made. But I regret nothing. I’m not a hero nor a saint. I did not ask for the life I was given but I did my best with it. Now, as my time is running out, I just want to look into your eyes, to remind me what beauty is as I’m fading from consciousness…