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Posts Tagged ‘sad’

Last night…

I haven’t realized yet that this is my last night in the house where I grew up. The last night in the room I’ve spent the most time of my life. The last night of this life because tomorrow a whole new chapter of my life begins. It’s weird. Most of the people would say that they feel excited for going abroad and sad for leaving their family and friends back. Right now I really don’t feel anything. I just can’t realize that tomorrow at the same time I will be far away from home. Everything seems normal to me. It’s night and I’m on my computer listening to music. Not stressed, not sad, not excited. I don’t know if this is temporary or a change on myself. I don’t even know if it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing. Does it come from my perspective on living in the moment and not thinking too much about the future? That’s why I don’t have any intense feeling right now? Because everything is still normal? I don’t know.

Anyway. This is my last post from home. My next one is going to be from my new home, Cebu. 😉

Locked Inside This Cage Again

February 21, 2013 1 comment

Two years ago, after the darkest period of my life I made a deal with myself, not to let my feelings control me. Tried to become the master of my feelings. It worked. I felt some kind of freedom. Even though I became a cold freak, I had this feeling of self control. First time in my life I felt really strong. It was during that period that I made life decisions to do what I really like to do and not to get lost in other people’s lives. But no, I didn’t stop pretending to always be that smiling and funny guy, like depression is non-existed in my life. Everything had been going very well until recently, I left a door opened…and became a victim again. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I won’t go into details but I’m don’t feel strong anymore. I feel weak and pathetic. Closed to myself again as always. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even trust myself anymore, how am I supposed to trust someone else?

As I had said before, the people reading this blog know much more about ME than the people around me. Chilibilly18 is far more ME than my real name. And Chilibilly sounds such a happy name. Irony huh?

If I haven’t been showing only the bright side of myself, I wouldn’t have anyone close to me.  I’m not saying that I do have friends now. I don’t have friends. Only people I spent my time with. Friends are supposed to be people that you can open yourself easily. I haven’t opened myself to anyone yet, except this blog. That’s not their fault. It’s the way I am. There’s nothing attractive about ME. Just a stupid, melodramatic, emotionally unstable kid. And to whoever is reading this, I’m not saying this because I want you to try to disprove me so I can feel better. No, that’s bullshit. I don’t do that. It’s just the way it is.

I’m not an Emo, I’m just tired, depressed, lost. Nearly 19 years in this world and I still haven’t found a single person who I can share my feelings with. Not a single one…

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not always like that. Darkness, sadness and melancholy are a huge part of myself but not the entire of it. I can be funny, entertaining, happy… But right now I’m not. Now, there’s just a feeling of emptiness. I don’t know what can I do. I try to distract myself doing things I used to do but I can’t. I can’t do something If I’m not fully into it. My mind just distracts itself. I suddenly started hating everything I’ve been doing, including myself. No, I’m not suicidal, not yet at least.

DON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME.

YOU WON’T.