Posts Tagged ‘dark’

Locked Inside This Cage Again

February 21, 2013 1 comment

Two years ago, after the darkest period of my life I made a deal with myself, not to let my feelings control me. Tried to become the master of my feelings. It worked. I felt some kind of freedom. Even though I became a cold freak, I had this feeling of self control. First time in my life I felt really strong. It was during that period that I made life decisions to do what I really like to do and not to get lost in other people’s lives. But no, I didn’t stop pretending to always be that smiling and funny guy, like depression is non-existed in my life. Everything had been going very well until recently, I left a door opened…and became a victim again. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I won’t go into details but I’m don’t feel strong anymore. I feel weak and pathetic. Closed to myself again as always. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even trust myself anymore, how am I supposed to trust someone else?

As I had said before, the people reading this blog know much more about ME than the people around me. Chilibilly18 is far more ME than my real name. And Chilibilly sounds such a happy name. Irony huh?

If I haven’t been showing only the bright side of myself, I wouldn’t have anyone close to me.  I’m not saying that I do have friends now. I don’t have friends. Only people I spent my time with. Friends are supposed to be people that you can open yourself easily. I haven’t opened myself to anyone yet, except this blog. That’s not their fault. It’s the way I am. There’s nothing attractive about ME. Just a stupid, melodramatic, emotionally unstable kid. And to whoever is reading this, I’m not saying this because I want you to try to disprove me so I can feel better. No, that’s bullshit. I don’t do that. It’s just the way it is.

I’m not an Emo, I’m just tired, depressed, lost. Nearly 19 years in this world and I still haven’t found a single person who I can share my feelings with. Not a single one…

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not always like that. Darkness, sadness and melancholy are a huge part of myself but not the entire of it. I can be funny, entertaining, happy… But right now I’m not. Now, there’s just a feeling of emptiness. I don’t know what can I do. I try to distract myself doing things I used to do but I can’t. I can’t do something If I’m not fully into it. My mind just distracts itself. I suddenly started hating everything I’ve been doing, including myself. No, I’m not suicidal, not yet at least.